Mindful Parenting: How to Respond Instead of React

What looks like your stress?

Our bodies and brains are wired as a safety net to respond to high stress circumstances. If our brain sees a danger, it will signal the amygdala, the “alarm” system of the body that tells our body to behave without thinking. The tonsillitis reacts to circumstances with the reaction to battle, flight, or freeze. This is to protect us, but we cannot differentiate between true hazards or false hazards from our stress receptors. Our stress response is often unnecessarily caused in everyday parenting by occurrences that are not life-threatening. Our bodies respond in the same manner that we would respond if we were chased by a bear to our child spilling cereal all over the ground.

Your stress response can be initiated more readily than another individual, depending on your childhood experiences and memories. We have trouble thinking obviously and being attentive to individuals around us when our stress receptors are triggered. In our responses, we cannot be thoughtful and have difficulty staying focused and our capacity to fix issues is diminished.

Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical psychologist studying the brain, describes that we may “lose control” or “flip our lid” during stressful parenting times and allow our feelings to regulate our responses. It happens so quickly when we “fly off the handle,” and we don’t think about how our kids perceive us. Our responses to children can be very frightening. We are also modeling how grown-ups respond to stress. If we pause before we respond, we can teach children that they too can pause and choose to respond rather than react.

What does parental awareness imply?

The key to teaching children how to handle theirs is to handle our own feelings and behaviors. That’s why airlines are telling us to put on our oxygen masks before you can put on the mask of your child. Before you can model your child’s regulation, you need to be regulated. Unfortunately, you can’t be accessible for your child when you’re stressed out, tired and overwhelmed.

Mindful parenting doesn’t mean being a “perfect parent” and you can’t fail. It’s not simple and it requires practice, but some days are nice and some are bad, like many parts of parenting, and you can always attempt again. You may forget to be mindful, but the second you understand that you’re distracted is an chance to make another decision–the decision to be present.

Mindful parenting implies that instead of being hijacked by your feelings, you give your conscious attention to what is happening. Mindfulness is about letting go of the past’s guilt and shame and concentrating on it right now. It’s about accepting anything that’s going on, not attempting to alter it or overlook it.

Being a conscientious parent implies you are paying attention to what you feel. It doesn’t mean you won’t get upset or angry. Of course, you’ll feel adverse feelings, but it’s what compromises our parenting to act mindlessly on them.

Benefits of careful parenting

• You become more conscious of your feelings and ideas.
• You become more conscious of and sensitive to the requirements, ideas and feelings of your kid.
• You become better at controlling your emotions.
• You become less critical of yourself and of your kid.

How to excercise conscientious parenting

Think of a scenario where you were upset or angry with your kid–one where you responded automatically because that’s what most of us do when hard ideas, emotions, or opinions occur. It is difficult to be the best version of ourselves in stressful situations when our emotions are easily triggered. You can expect the triggers to be found by your kid.

You must first become acquainted with your “warm spots” and emotional triggers in order to make the decision to modify your habits. When we are more susceptible and less emotionally accessible, hot spots are certain moments of our days. We may feel stressed, tired, overwhelmed or helpless, or we may be worried about marriage or work.

Emotional triggers are emotions or opinions from your own life that may occur when your kid performs a particular action: your kid acts in a manner that conflicts with your views. Example: Your child throws food in a restaurant or grabs all the toys in a shop that makes you feel upset or embarrassed. The conduct of your child may evoke memory and reaction from your childhood. Example: Your child is not at the academic level you think it should be and you feel like you have failed as a parent because your parents said it wasn’t good enough when you received a poor grade.
The conduct of your child may evoke a traumatic condition or incident. Example: if you broke your arm as a child climbing a jungle gym and you’re frightened every time your child goes to the playground.
The conduct of your child activates the lens of fear and desire. Example: if one of my kids wakes up the other kid during the night, no one sleeps and everyone is crying and I’m afraid.

1. Notice your own feelings when you’re in conflict with your child

I don’t have any adult time and now that I’m a parent I’ve totally lost the ancient me.
Don’t judge or dismiss it. Do not attempt to hold on to the emotion. Don’t hold on to it. Don’t create them larger than they already are. You’re not your emotion and you’re not supposed to act on the emotion. Just be there, be aware of it. Remember, for what happened, you don’t have to blame yourself or your baby. Next, attempt seeing the conflict through the eyes of your child. If during a tantrum or argument you can’t see goodness in your kid, believe of a moment when you felt linked to your kid and reacted kindly. Try to remember when you’re triggered that version of your kid. Make an attempt to notice when you begin to feel nervous or annoyed as you go throughout your day. That may be a signal to trigger you. You can proceed to the next step once you figure out your triggers.

In the heat of the time, the most difficult and crucial aspect of mindfulness is being able to discover that calm room. We practice discovering this room by concentrating our attention on our body and breath as feelings appear as body or breath shifts. When we slow down and concentrate on our body and breath, a physiological shift occurs that reduces our reflexive reactions and improves our prefrontal cortex capabilities.
All this leads to a calmer mind where the room to sit with the emotion can be found. When we can pause, by concentrating on the trigger, we can experience the feelings as sensations in our body without fueling them.

3. Even if you disagree with it, listen closely to the point of view of a kid

Your kid will behave like a kid! That implies they will not be able to handle their emotions at all times. Children are still learning how to control and have distinct priorities than you do (actually, so are most adults). Their conduct sometimes pushes your button, and that’s all right.
The issue is when adults start to act like children as well. If instead we can remain attentive–meaning we notice our feelings and let them pass without acting on them–we will model emotional regulation, and our kids will learn to watch us. It takes practice to learn to pause before responding and our ability to control our emotions changes depending on what happens every day. Learning how to assist yourself and how to fulfill your emotional requirements is crucial. Examples of self-care can range from things like taking a time out by hiding in the bathroom when you can’t manage your children (which I did last night), taking a few minutes of deep breathing, or putting on television so that you and your child can have a break from writing in a newspaper, taking a bath, walking or talking.

And we can’t capture ourselves in time, sometimes, and we respond in ways that we regret. We can apologize to our children in those times after we cry out to them because we are still learning and parents make errors too.